by Dan Cairns
(Editor’s note: You may be able to sense that Dan wrote this review for another site, but that for some reason it wasn’t used. So I thought we’d use it, because it made me giggle like a Twilight fan in Robert Patterson’s bedroom)
Hey, you know all the albums that the other writers are spaffing on about? Amorphis, Novembers Doom and Marduk and that? Well, fuck them, because the new Converge is out, and it’s just huffed and puffed an elephantine shit on them all from a great height.
Yar. It’s another album of the year jobbie, which is beginning to piss me off to be honest. I much prefer writing when I’ve got something utterly woeful to rip the piss out of. Fuck, maybe I should start listening to your demos again. I’d do it more regularly, but it’s just such a pain in the arse waking up, checking the old inbox, and finding over nine thousand emails from a load of precocious little bellends wanting you to listen to their utterly woeful, not at all derivative attempts at ‘brootal.’ Seriously. You lot make me fucking sick. I used to wonder why I could never make any of my bands last at Uni, but I realise now that it’s because I couldn’t be arsed tolerating the 99% of people who want to make music because quite frankly they’re utterly fucking embarrassing wastes of the flesh that God gave them. Well done you pricks. You’ve killed any chance I may have had in the industry by being a bunch of dense fucks with the creativity and imagination of a mongoloid child with severe palsy.
Oh and also, no other fucker really gets the chance to review any of your excrement anyway, because a certain reviewer snaps EVERYTHING up. He must stay in all day, listening to music, wanking his brains out, feverishly refreshing his browser to respond to every music request we get. Even Lita Ford man. You think a dude who listens to daft kvlt nonsense is going to give poor old Lita Ford a fair chance? Is he fuck.
God, I’m such a cunt.
Anyway, Axe to Fall. It’s the most immediate kick in the balls Converge have provided since Jane Doe. Most of you will probably hate it, because it’s actually good. You’ll be turned off by the fact it’s hardcore, even though it’s heavier, more passionate and more intense than anything you like you twats. Folks from Cave In, Ghengis Tron and Neurosis are on it. Again those are all amazing bands. It’s like the guest roster on a Soulfly album, except Converge and their guests don’t dress and act like wiggas, write shit music or sing about muthafuckin’ Hootie and the Blowfish. It’s actually a hell of a lot more accessible and groovier than previous Converge records though, but they’ve lost none of the intensity thOH FOR FUCKSSAKE WHY AM I BOTHERING. I’m far too fucking ill and tired to be sincere. I’ve had a rough weekend and I have a case of redeye that would terrify Jus fucking Oborn. I’m only writing this now because I can’t fucking sleep. You fucking fucks.
Basically Axe to Fall is ace like every other thing they’ve done. It’s probably my record of the year. I said that about Agoraphobic Nosebleed and Mastodon too but you know, I write here and you don’t, so place your chapped kissy lips around my festering sphincter you frenzied wankers.