by Dan Cairns
Aside from the odd accidental glimpse on music television, Funeral For A Friend completely passed me by. So now I’ve been afforded the opportunity to catch up, with a greatest hits jobby! Yipee! Hooray! Urgh.
Fuck. It’s diabolical.
I’m two songs in, and I’m already cringing. It’s like they’ve taken elements from SiKTh, Deftones and Will Haven (all bands I adore, I’ll have you know) and made them palatable for fucking toddlers. Everything about it is risible, from the clichéd widdly melodic guitars, to the roaring choruses to the vocals. Oh god. The vocals. They range from really shonky shouty bits to melodies so saccharine that even Susan Boyle would reject them for being too pussy.
I am probably the most pathetic emasculated human you will ever meet, but listening to Funeral For A Friend makes me feel as butch as the man who decked Danzig. Seriously, if I ever have kids and they end up listening to Funeral For A Friend in the same way people of our generation listen to Gary Numan and that, I will cut their fucking heads off.
The lyrics too. They’re all about girls and relationships and feeling rotten. I don’t mind that if it’s done with a bit of imagination, but it’s like Mills and Boon. Besides, it’s only wimps who listen to stuff like this when they’re feeling rotten. Real men listen to Cannibal Corpse when they’re heartbroken.
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the faux-American bluster (they’re from Wales for fucks sake) or their cynical ‘I FEEL UR PAIN KIDZ’ angst, but this offends me more than Westlife. I cannot fathom the mind of a person who would enjoy this. Imagine it. Once you’ve evaded their fringe and invaded their cerebral cortex, what would you find? It would be like an abhorrent hybrid of hairgel, QVC and Kevin and Perry.
Then again they’re Welsh, so it stands to reason that they’re fucking shit. Apart from the Super Furry Animals, who are ace, Wales have contributed NOTHING of worth to music. Stereophonics, Feeder,LOSTPISSINGPROPHETS, Catatonia (to be honest they were ok before they started spelling their name with a K and ripping off Opeth) and Manic Street Preachers. It’s a veritable cavalcade of cum. Seriously, the music world would be much better if Welsh people were born without hands. Or voices. In fact let’s just get rid of Wales altogether.
P.S. I don’t really think we should get rid of Wales. That would be awful. Maybe just Newport or something.