Rammstein- Liebe blah blah blah

rammstein-liebe-ist-fur-alle-da

(Universal, 2009)

by Dan Cairns

I have never ‘got’ Rammstein. Some fella on Twitter was telling me they’re actually pretty dark and subversive and that. All I know is that their music would be perfect for soundtracking a lonely, depressing evening at a Cleethorpes titty bar.

Subversive my arse.

If Rammstein wanted to be truly subversive they should have ditched the boring german perv-techno and gone Christian rock. But nooooo. They wrote a song called Pussy. And shot a porno video as its promo. It wasn’t very good, because I was halfway through ekeing one out, and then one of the band members had an androgynous Marilyn Manson thing going on, and he was getting licked out and it scared me and I had to turn the light on and I cried and cried and cried.

After finishing myself off by looking at pictures of Judi Dench, I listened to the album. It’s… well it’s Rammstein isn’t it? They’re the kind of band that people who don’t like metal like, in much the same way as HIM. Or Cuntscrape. I always found Rammstein really boring, and this album has not changed that opinion. It’s the perfect kind of music to play at a University rock night or something. Naturally it annoys me terribly. Normally I’d go on to describe what the song sounds like in deeper detail, but I can’t be scuttered and I want to go play xbox.

It’s shitty, camp industrial pop. If you like it, be my guest. Women seem to dig them too, so if you’re wooing some goth strumpet after a pleasant evening down whatever shitty little hostelry you’ve managed to infest, it’d be a better idea to stick this on than something like Meshuggah for some sexy time. Imagine having sex to Meshuggah. You’d get an aneurysm. Anyway, the point is Rammstein are as exciting to me as nipping down to Spar for a loaf, and at least I feel a bit fresh and healthy after that.

Liebe is fur alle da isn’t half as pervy as it wants to be. If it were a set of genitals, it would be a well maintained willy, with the pubes deftly slicked. But the willy is 2 inches when erect, with the girth of an Ethiopian. I do like Til’s accent though. He could be singing about eating a bun and it would sound domineering. If he gave himself a side parting and grew a little square moustache, I would be eternally his.

4 Hitlers out of a Putsch

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2 Comments

  1. It may just be due to all the years I’ve spent studying German…. but Rammstein just makes me laugh out loud every time. It just sounds so ridiculous. Seriously, Voltaire does Rammstein better than Rammstein does Rammstein.

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