Ripped off his tits.

By Daniel Cairns

HERO Though primarily a music website, our merry band of wankers, hipsters and autistic savants like things other than music. We are fond of cake for instance. And porn.

We also like films, ranging from masterpieces like Troll 2 and Sleepless in Seattle to horrifying exercises in cult trash like Love Actually. But the best of all films (and it’s a scientific fact) is Freddy Got Fingered. Because of that film, I want to date a woman in a wheelchair and swing a newborn baby around my head like a Spartan weapon.

Because of Freddy Got Fingered, I want Rip Torn to be my Dad.

I’m sure you’ve all heard now. Homeboy went apeshit, got veeeeeeery drunk, and threatened to shoot up a bank. Full story can be found here. Yes I know it’s a Daily Mail link but I can’t be scuttered finding another one because I want to nip out and get some food in a minute. Aaaaanyway…

Rip Torn is 78. If I’m still partying like that when I’m 78, I’ll know I’ve lived a profoundly excellent life. It was probably pretty traumatising for the poor bastards that had to put up with him, but they’ll look back in a few years time and recount to their horrible little grandchildren about how the greatest actor ever nearly took their head off. And they’ll be proud (NB: I tried to find a youtube link to that bit in Freddy Got Fingered where the word proud features predominately, but all you get when you type in ‘rip’ ‘torn’ and ‘proud’ are a load of links to some shitty anime about wolves).

Rip Torn, we salute thee!

In other news, some bands released some albums, some other bands announced some tours and BANDSBANDSBANDSBANDS

Oh, and apparently a load of celebrities are doing a version of Everybody Hurts by REM, under the direction of Simon Cowell, because the people of Haiti clearly haven’t suffered enough yet.

Toodlepips!

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