My Bloody Horrendous Valentine

By Daniel Cairns

Face it. If you’re reading this you like metal. If you like metal, you probably like goils (teehee!). And if you like goils and metal, chances are you’ve found out that goils and metal don’t mix. And if they do, well congratulate yourself because you’ve found yourself the most amazing woman ever. Or an idiot.

For the rest of you though, it’s probably a bit harder to find the one. Unless you’re as sophisticated and sexy as we are, people can probably spot that you’re a metalhead from a mile off.  Hell, they can probably smell you. And they’ll RUN.

Naturally, your sexgod overlords at DP can’t have you festering away in your grotty flats, bashing away at your poles mercilessly in the presence of streaming pornography, takeaway boxes and tears on Valentines Day. We love you. And we want to help you find that special someone, whether you be male, female or… something else.

Here you’ll find a crash course in how to find love this Valentines Day.

1) Read her poetry…

Seriously. Chicks dig poetry. However my dear smelly dunderheads, they will not find your poetry attractive. A lady is not going to froth in her undergarments if you start reading her the lyrics of Stripped Raped And Strangled. She will not fall into your BO saturated embrace if you read her the canon of Dave Mustaine, so seriously fellas. DON’T. Instead, open up a bit. Read her some Keats, Wordsworth, perhaps some Leonard Cohen, or if you’re feeling particularly adventurous, some of the stuff from the first Mr Bungle album. Soon you’ll be smooching, cuddling and flat our rutting your way through a day you’d have otherwise spent levelling up your characters in Mass Effect 2 because you’re a hideous manchild with no direction or self respect.

2) Watch a romantic film with her…

Not all women are terrifying, fake tanned behemoths that large it around your local social clubs looking for squaddie dong. Some are sweet, caring and tender and just want to snuggle up with a pleasant film. So pop around hers with a box of chocolates and a selection of your sweetest, most couple friendly movies! In my experience, the best films for such an occasion are Notting Hill, Miss Congeniality, Ghost, Sex and the City, Love Actually and Scanners. If you’re feeling doubly adventurous, Krull is a big favourite with the ladies. No silly gore films though! Ok?! Good!

3) Dress nice for a day…

Yes, your Rotten Crotch t-shirt would be devastatingly attractive to a particular brand of ogre, but on a day like today, that ain’t gonna cut it sonny jim. So put away your black, gore filled t shirts and your horrible cum-encrusted jeans… it’s time to smarten up son! Wear a nice shirt, some nice black trousers (yes black is ok for trousers) and shine your old school shoes. Most women are pretty shallow, so appearances are everything on a day like today. If you look like you’ve made an effort, she’ll be putty in your hands. Also… NO METAL CLOTHING, so no wristbands or studs or anything else like that. And for fucks sake take all that metal shit out your face. What are you, a fucking magnet?

4) Be sophisticated…

Talking about blastbeats and shredding will likely turn your woman off quicker than if you shoved your pendulous balls in her face. So talk about other things that women will like. Women like things like flowers, petticoats, babies and dildos, so read up about them on wikipedia and dazzle your quarry with your encyclopedic knowledge of all things BITCH .

5) Don’t be Pushy…

You’re used to going apeshit in a moshpit undoubtedly. Your life consists of drinking, avoiding the bathroom and pushing other similar beasts over whilst some band plays on stage and eggs you on to hurt each other, and by god you’ll do it because god dammit, you’ve really made some pathetic life choices haven’t you?

Word of advice… that doesn’t cut it with women. If the first thing you do to a woman when you meet her is push her over and headbang violently then you’ve messed up. She’s going to want to go home and she’ll tell all her friends what a dick you are, meaning no nookie for you, hessian.

So be a gentleman. Hold her hand, pretend to listen to her and open doors for her. She’ll love that. If she gets annoying and you MUST give into your dunderhead urges, give her a light slap across the face if she talks too much. That should be sufficient.

6) Don’t be yourself…

Pretty self explanatory. You want to be like James Bond, not James fucking Hetfield. She even so much as gets a sniff of your natural urges, she’ll be out quicker than Heather Mills at 110 metres hurdles. BE FALSE.

Alternatively, if none of that shit works, just hire a hooker and get your squalid little end away.

Follow my advice though, and I guarantee you’ll be tripping up in bint. You never know, this could be you in a few weeks time!…

Let me know if my advice works, if you don’t though, I know what you’ll be up to you little scamps.:)

Happy fu… I mean loving!




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