Pies of Reality

By Daniel Cairns

Dougal McGuire, the manchild idiot priest from Father Ted, was never one for a pithy comment. However, he did say ‘never meet your heroes, you’ll only be disappointed,’ something that’s rather appropriate given the nature of this entry.

You remember Amen don’t you? If you were British, virginal and ridden with acne at the turn of the century you certainly bloody did. They were trumped up as saviours of rock and roll in the heinous era of big shorts and rapping by bored, dunderheaded journos. They painted themselves as a blood and guts punk metal band and to be fair, when you’re 15 and know piss all about anything, they sound amazing.

Seriously, watch the below video. Admittedly nowadays, it sounds like a really boring Napalm Death song, but at the time, this was the heaviest thing ever for me.

A lot of the appeal came from their frontman, Casey Chaos. Forget the fact that he sounds like he should be a shitty cast off from The A Team. To a teenager having a shitty time at school he was a hero. He was portrayed as the antithesis to all the Fred Dursts of the world, and many youths, being the gullible fucks we were, believed it. He looked cool, seemed a bit evil, swore lots and had a hell of a roar. He also talked about reading obscure Russian philosophy and shit in interviews, which means a lot when you’re young and painting yourself as a pseudo intellectual, even though you’re an obnoxious little cunt who doesn’t know the first thing about anything.

Thing is, a few years down the line, turns out homeboy wasn’t quite the punk rock hero he portrayed himself to be, with horror stories from ex bandmates claiming he took the piss with funds and wasn’t the struggling musician he claimed to be. I didn’t care about that though. He wrote a song called Piss Virus and I loved it.

Anyhoo, in a fit of retarded nostalgia, I thought I’d see what the band were up to nowadays. It’s been over 5 years since their last album, which we won’t talk about as it was a piece of shit, and I wondered if they were still going.

And then I found this video.

http://www.amoeba.com/whats-in-my-bag/index.html#/detail/2008-11-22_casey-chaos

I dunno where to begin.

I mean… fuck. It was always well documented that he had health problems, but he always managed to keep himself looking fairly trim. This though. Urgh. It’s ridiculous. He’s a mess! A mess! A porky fuggin’ mess! It’s not even the weight that’s the worst thing. He’s dressed like a 14 year old fuckhead. Seriously, when I’m his age (and I’m guessing he’s in his mid forties now), if you ever catch me looking like this, shoot me in the face. It’s embarassing. I don’t know what’s worse. Is it the shitty denim, or the greasy horrible hair with the huge globs of gel in it? Either way, it’s a fucking catastrophe.

I feel bad for poor old shopgirl there too, having to be civil as this lumbering tithead bangs on about music that about 3 people give a shit about. Seriously, if he wore a nice shirt and had a nice haircut, I’d forgive his verbal diahorrea, but the whole thing is just… no I can’t find the words for it. She looks terrified too, and she can’t hide behind her shitty Blackadder haircut either.

I mean it was pretty chilling seeing this. This man was my idol. Like, imagine you’re a Christian, and you watch a video on the internet of Jesus, tossing himself off onto a nun’s head. You’d be gutted wouldn’t you?

Well now you know how I felt after seeing this. It’s like fate had taken a walloping great poop on my adolescence, and decreed everything I held dear a lie. Thank you Casey. Seriously.

All our heroes are failing us. 😦

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