By Noel Oxford
The news every loathsome Gen-Xer has been waiting for is finally here – grunge elder-statesmen Nirvana are to re-unite! And you, yes you, could be part of a tale like Rockstar featuring Mark Wahlberg and her off of Friends!
Along with a mystery frontman to replace dead, headless, rich man Kurt Cobain, surviving band members Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic plan to dredge up all their grungiest three-chord classics for a 2011 tour, a new album, a Saturday morning anime series, and a line of action figures aimed at 30 year old men – but not before live televised auditions for a new singer/guitarist have taken place, later this year.
And Demon Pigeon can exclusively reveal that BBC One, favoured by Adrian Chiles and pillocks everywhere, has eagerly snapped up the UK broadcast rights to ‘Smells Like Teen Talent’, created in partnership with Simon Cowell’s Syco, HBO and Lidl.
“The current trends for what we’re calling ‘legacy rock’ are just too big a market to pass up,” said sickening drummer Grohl, whose bands are all literally dreadful. “We think the time, and the demographics, are both just perfect to re-imagine, resurrect and re-leverage the Nirvana brand going forward, and our fine colleagues at Syco certainly agree!”
“We’ve consulted with Kurt’s family, and they are all one hundred thousand per cent on board,” added Novoselic. “Kurt, RIP, was a big believer in democracy and also having lots of money, and we firmly believe this is how he would have wanted his legacy to continue. We, as ‘the talent’, get a thirty per cent cut of all the phone-in vote money. Can’t be bad.”
The show will tread the firmly-established format of other television talent contests, such as X-Factor, Pop Idol and One Man and his Dog. Fronted intolerably by Justin Lee-Collins, hopefuls will strut their stuff in front of a panel of judges consisting of Cowell, Louis Walsh, Sharon Osbourne and Buzz, off of sludge legends (the) Melvins, who hopes to make the show appear at least slightly legitimate.
A studio insider showed us some exclusive on-set photographs, but then he broke our scanner, so we can’t show you. Host Lee-Collins will wear a series of costumes inspired by the many guitars inexpertly played by Cobain over the years. Meanwhile, star judge Buzz will don a crown and ride a giant motorised shotgun, from which a hilarious flag reading ‘YOUR FIRED’ will pop, pushing rejected contestants off the stage and into a moat full of gunge. And Simon Cowell’s famous hurtful and unpleasant banter, beloved of housebound divots worldwide, will be in full effect.
“We’ve been playing with a few script concepts,” said comedy consultant Graham Linehan who helps Simon Cowell pretend to have charisma. “One of the best so far is ‘What else could I say? No apologies. That was awful.’ Simon’s looking forward to the big laughs when he pulls the trigger on that sucker.”
“If Alice in bloody Chains can make a go of it after Christ knows how fucking long, then I don’t see why Nirvana can’t sodding do it as well, you sarcastic bugger,” said sweary Simon, fixing this reporter with steely gimlet pound-sign eyes that still haunt each and every one of this reporter’s nights. “Their new flipping singer isn’t even the right bastard colour!” he snarled, before biting into a faeces-contaminated Big Mac.
“Turnout was low for the first round of auditions at Portland, Oregon’s Ovaltine Stadium,” said some lackey. “But word soon spread, and by the time the team hit Grohl’s hometown of Warren, Ohio, the queue was stretched right back to Tower Records on Clam Street!”
But even though preliminary auditions are already underway, it’s not too late to get your talents spotted! Check some websites on the internet for more details.
Cobain’s widow Courtney Love could not be translated for comment.