by Paul Stephenson
In news that surprise absolutely nobody, Hollywood has gone and done a very stupid thing. Some producers have decided that someone who is quite popular for no good reason is the perfect match to play someone who was quite popular before he went and shot his face off, at which point he went and got a lot more popular. Yes, that’s right, every twelve year old girl’s favourite sparkly vampire, Robert Pattinson, has apparently been tapped up to play Kurt Cobain, who apparently was in a band in the early 90’s that were quite good, or something. This is the worst piece of movie news since some idiot decided that Highlander needed a sequel. Or that Jaws needed a fourth instalment. Or some producer thought that Michael Cera was funny.
Apparently the whole thing is being ushered into existence by the wailing, howling ghost that used to be Courtney Love, and she wants Scarlet Johannson to play her. But of course she does, that’s like me saying I want George Clooney to play me in a film, just because he’s well fit. Personally I think that she should be played by Jonah Hill with a three day stubble. I think Dave Grohl should be played by a large mishapen stone with a fright wig and drawn on mutton chops, Krist Novaselic can play himself because he probably needs the money. Michael Cera can play the shotgun, employing his trademark wry wit (read irritating one-note comedy stylings) to bring some levity to those final hours. Now that I may actually pay to see, even if it does have Mr Sparkle in it.
Oh, and apparantly the film is going to be called ‘All Apologies’ which I would imagine is the producer’s attempts to convey their misgivings over the whole thing to the corpse of Cobain, or to the audience. It will be out in every cinema ever and will cause a whole new raft of fourteen year old boys to wear t-shirts with Kurt’s suicide note on, as though that denotes respect for the dead. It will cause every radio and tv show to show the video to Smells Like Teen Spirit ad infinitum (viewers of Kerrang! TV may not be able to notice the difference from any other day) and every day that it goes on, a little part of my childhood will die. So that’ll be nice.