Hello. I should have written this 2 months ago. But I didn’t, ‘cos I’m a spazz. Innit. So I’m going to have to make up for it and be extra nice about it because Jucifer are OFFICIAL FRIENDS OF THE SITE or something.
Anyhoo, Throned In Blood is pretty good. The previous album, L’Autric… L’Outra… their previous fucking album was basically a monster. It was over 70 minutes, and featured everything from Doom to Folk to Grind to Easycore. In fact I reviewed it for an old site I wrote for and ejaculated bountifully over it. Actually I’ll read it and quote it now, I’m sure it’s delightfully embarrassing. Oh look…
However, even without the concept, this record would comfortably hold its own; such is the strength of its tunes. Blackpowder is the catchiest song Kurt Cobain never wrote. The title track sounds like Radiohead, before they took a ten year long journey up their duodenum. The sludgy misery of The Mountain meanwhile, recalls prime Eyehategod. Radiohead and Eyehategod? On the same record? Why yes, but through sheer excellence, the album melds these influences seamlessly, and the whole thing becomes unmistakably Jucifer.
Oh fucking hell. ‘UNMISTAKABLY JUCIFER.’
Anyway, Throned In Blood is the opposite of all that. Throned In Blood is a bloody horrible record. It’s really short too, which is good, as anything over an hour these days makes me snooze, due in equal parts to narcolepsy, old age and self loathing.
The best thing about Throned In Blood is that it sounds like it was recorded in a shed, and the shed is haunted by a ghost and the ghost is pre-menstrual and has a ghost shotgun and is about to go on a ghost rampage. It’s very nasty sounding, and sounds like it was recorded live too, so you can hear when Amber and Ed occasionally fluff bits, and that’s immediately more endearing to me than some cunt fixing everything with pro-tools.
Nine of the songs are grindey, doomey and a bit black metalley (none of them are jazzey though), and Amber sounds PISSED. I’d describe it as kvlt, but that would make me sound like a kvnt, so I won’t. They’re pretty dense and morbid though, which is fitting considering the album is about the end of the world. All the best albums are about the end of the world, like Busta Rhymes’ Extinction Level Event, Phil Collins’ Greatest Hits and the soundtrack to Armageddon starring Bruce Willis and the two kidnappers from Fargo. The last song though (titled Armageddon) is a wistful, banjo led ode to death and old age, and it might be the most gorgeous thing the band have ever done.
You should all get Throned In Blood. I wish it had more of the nice bits, but it’s an excellent, angry record, and ironically an easier listen than L’Autra… their last fucking album.
8 and a half Bruce Willis’s out of a Liv Tyler
(WARNING… DON’T WATCH THIS VIDEO IF YOU’RE LIABLE TO HAVE AN EPPY.)