Real Heroes

Hello. You’ve probably noticed I haven’t done a lot for the site recently. This is down to many things, but I’ll basically sum it up as middle class listlessness. Aka I’m a lazy fuck.

To be fair though, you can’t blame me as reviewing music is awful, especially when most of the music you get is shitty metal and all you want to listen to is the same Radiohead and Babybird albums all the time. Seriously we get sent the worst stuff. What the hell is someone like me supposed to do with a Panic C3ll album eh? I’ll tell you what they do, they throw it down a well. Along with babies and Welsh people.

Soooo. Because music is making me sad at the minute, I naturally need cheering up. And there is nothing more mirth inducing to me than crazy Japanese people playing video games. No wonder my mother weeps.

Here we have a drunk Japanese man called Steve having a nervous breakdown while playing Super Mario Land on his gameboy. Actually it’s most likely an emulator but most of you are too pig-fucking-ignorant to know what that is (ie. you have lives). Anyhoo it’s pretty rad, especially when he calls the goombas ‘battmonstahs’ and talks about breaking windows and panties and brassiere. Later on he gets frustrated and starts doing swears. It’s so ace.

In this one, two lads play an excellent meta-game in Mario 64. They find a 1-Up mushroom and have to leg it before the bugger catches up with them. The best bit is the scream of fear when the jovial looking little hallucinogen first floats through the wall like some deliriously happy ghost murderer. Also the bit where they talk with the penguin is excellent too. Penguins are pretty excellent. Especially this one…

Look at him there, wandering off on his lonesome there to his inevitable doom. Part of me is a bit jealous. Maybe he got tired of his shitty job too. If I could get over my crippling fear of death I would totally do something like that. He is the Michael Douglas of penguins. Le Sigh…

Aaaaaaanyway, stay on target Dan.

This man is not Japanese. In fact this man is not even human. Listen to his voice. It is the most wonderful voice on the planet. If there are shopping centres in Heaven this man will be at the announcing kiosk thing, letting people know where missing kids are in his dreamy, dreamy voice. He also did a Super Metroid playthrough which goes on for christ knows how many videos. All I know is that it’s soporific effect has led to many blissful nights of crashing into slumber.

Behold. The King. We return to the land of the Rising Sun just in time to bear witness to this hero tentatively working his way through Resident Evil 2. If the whole world was forced to watch this video everything would change. All religions would combine, murder would no longer exist, people would never be sad again and Timmy Mallet would be world leader. He did another video where he played through a bit of Resident Evil 4 but I can’t be bothered finding it. Besides, this one is enough. It really is the best thing. If you don’t get some enjoyment out of it you’re some kind of joyless husk. Hey you all listen to metal anyway, so you probably are. So fuck you I guess.

I realise this is of no interest to any of you but you know, humour me. Have you happened across anything similar? If so, do share it with us, and help us turn our permafrowns upside down.



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