Linda’s Shits

Don’t we rock writers love lists? How many smug, happy hours have we spent, thinking of a thing, then thinking of another, similar thing; then deciding whether the first thing is better or worse than the second thing based on the following criterion: “????” And of course, once you have a list, it is essential that you share it far and wide, so that everybody knows what your (the correct) opinion is.

It’s Christmas now, nearly, and that means we will be seeing lots and lots and loads and loads and scads of fucking lists, for fucking ever. What were the best albums of 2010? Biggest comebacks? Best vocalists? Stupidest deaths? Saddest attempts at corpsepaint? Best songs by Panic Cell?

You can see why they’re so appealing, of course; an entire article, just an Ask Jeeves away. We tried it here, when we were just getting going. The best albums of the decade. I can’t speak for the other ‘scribes’ hereabouts but making that list felt kinda dishonest to me, and I doubt if I made it again now it would look even a little bit the same. Then, later, we took the piss out of the whole idea, which is how we roll.

But God loves a tryer, so because I’m lazy, because I’m a hack, and because I know better than every single one of you, I’m going to give it another go. It’s fucking list time, y’all.

The Top Five Listiest Lists in Metal

5. Top Ten Metal Tearjerkers

I took a peek into the Metal Hammer blog today, just a for a kick, and I learned something: It is wrong for men to cry at Sinead O’Connor, or Elton John, or Wobbie Williams. I guess it is not man music. A half arsed piano ballad with some sixth-form poetry, by Avenged Sevenfold; that is music for men! I’d have thought this list was a joke, to be honest, but then you scroll down and read the comments. Now I want to cry.

Also, there’s only one reason KoЯn have ever made me sad, and it wasn’t that weird piece of artificial emotional pornography otherwise known as Daddy.

(I got chucked in a skip and bummed off Jonathan Davis)

4. Top Ten Metal Covers of Non-Metal Songs

I seem to remember ironic metal and ska-punk covers of beloved oldies becoming popular with insufferable twats (like you) in around and about 2002, back when I still knew what a metal scene was. You see, when Reel Big Fish cover A-ha, it makes it okay to enjoy something you otherwise wouldn’t spare the time to piss upon. Because it is ironic. I get irony, haha, yes.

According to this list, KoЯn deserve two places in the ten best metal covers of like, ever time. System of a Down also deserve two. So do Disturbed. Three bands cover six places. This is stupid.

The number one metal cover of all time, however, is Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm. That’s even stupider.

3. The Top Five Most Monstrous Ballads Ever

I’ve no idea what’s going on with this list. Reading it feels like I’ve walked into a room halfway through a conversation, and the conversation was mostly about what an objectionable piece of shit I am. It’s awkward, confusing, and hurtful.

They don’t even bother writing about the song that gets the most votes; and it’s full of strange undefined terms that I suspect we’re meant to be familiar with. What’s a Monster Ballad (sic)? A power ballad, I guess? I suppose I can infer what a “truck driver modulation” might be, but a hint wouldn’t hurt. Do they like power ballads or not? It’s all bound up in a layer of sneering irony, so I can’t tell. Also, just because you put some words in italics it doesn’t mean that you have made a joke.

Chicago has a saxophonist, Walter Parazaider, but You’re the Inspiration doesn’t have a sax part. So Walter appears in the music video, reading a newspaper while the rest of the band plays (see left). It’s self-parody. And that raises the possibility that the entire song is self-parody. How inspiring would that be?”

I’m only pretending to be confused, to be honest. It is definitely all a joke, but I’ve got not a fucking clue who is laughing.

2. The Top 100 Metal Albums

Excellent, the stand-by of stand-bys. Top 100 metal albums.

“There is absolutely nothing scientific about the ranking that appears below; it is simply the collective opinion of a group of true metalheads. Not everyone will agree with the list or all the items in it, and that’s fine, we make no apologies for having an opinion and sharing it with you!”

We make no apologies for having an opinion, and you’re welcome to disagree, but we are also True Metalheads and therefore correct by definition. So, heh, well…

Glance over the top ten: Two by Metallica, three by Maiden, two by Slayer, blah fucking blah. Why even bother putting all that thought and effort into a thing if all you’re going to do is slavishly reproduce the critical consensus of the age?

Literally, what is the point of this?

1. The Ten Rules of Metal

Here’s a list mocking metal, a hobby that is dear to us. On first glance, perhaps this “Rob O’Connor” is a man after our own beflinted hearts. Let’s take… a closer look.

(The Camera Does a Cool Dolly Zoom on the Words!)


6) Must Have Ridiculous Stage Props

5) Must Write Songs About Rocking

4) Must Write Songs About Extraterrestrials &/Or Medieval Times

3) Must Have Ridiculous Album Concepts

Ah, I see. I too have watched the mocku-rocku-mentary This Is Spın̈al Tap. What a funny film that was.

Yes, what I should have done here is ripped off a 30 year old film, and poked fun at some clichés that have hardly been relevant in almost as long. In my mind it is still 1982, and I never got old. If only I had got that point across. Instead, I’ve wasted a thousand words making myself look like a confused and senile fuddy-duddy, and burnt most of one of my ever-dwindling stock of precious days in the effort.

In conclusion, metal journalism and lists. A waste of fucking time.



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