E3 is not simply a particularly unfortunate bra size.
It is a place where the reclusive internet-posting masses convene; a place where the children’s computer game and the children’s computer game contraption manufacturing corporations gather to large theatre halls. A place where the average mental age in every room is ten years old. A place where hour after hour of computer generated visuals and obnoxious marketing is inexplicably received with orgasmic throes, rather than the usually anticipated retch of disgust.
Here at Demon Pigeon HQ (which happens to be a septic tank) we take this kind of thing fucking seriously.
Following live online broadcasting of the event, that I tearfully watched in my underpants, I have undertaken the great task of documenting E3 2011.
Microsoft’s conference engaged a simpering sycophantic baby audience in a soylent green haze. As with last year’s E3, Microsoft are continuing to attempt to convince a load of simple minded idiots to STAND UP and MOVE, both two of my least favourite things. The result is in fact that you end up looking like you’re miming squatting for a shit behind a bush rather than playing a computer game for children. When you fire a gun in Tom Clancy’s Gun Brown Shoot Desert War 3, you have to move your hands in a way that looks all too similar to shaking a tin can like a beggar, which is appropriate. These stupid shiny things are a fucking mint, all of them unnecessary bourgeois luxury.
Kinect and the subsequent Xbox updates are also introducing voice recognition, which means we finally get the chance to talk to a loud white fat thing, and not be listened to. If games are art, art is now imitating reality. This voice recognition shit allowed for a bunch of horrendous demonstrations of what we can now expect in our children’s computer games. For example, the audience applauded when some gentlemen from Ubisoft got onto the stage and started hooting commands at the Xbox and a customised gun (a gun, in case you have forgotten, is a device which is used to kill other human beings – epic win!) magically appeared onscreen. In Mass Effect 3, you can now talk into a mic during the conversational cutscenes. Presumably this means that nerds everywhere are trembling with anticipation for the opportunity to literally exchange space wedding vows with their bright blue videogame girlfriend.
Speaking of videogame girlfriends, Tomb Raider.
Following the old Eidos Interactive Lara ‘Videogame Sex Symbol’ Croft games, someone thought for some reason it would be a good idea to bring this fucking franchise back yet again and produce another game. This time, the objective was to update Lara in order to give her some appeal to some alleged ‘new audience’ (I think they’re called ‘women’, or something. I’m not quite sure). The new improved Tomb Raider sets out with the intention of presenting a strong independent female.
As the demo begins, we are introduced to Lara dangling from the ceiling of a cave like a twisted scrotum, groaning erotically and in bondage. On dropping to the ground she is impaled on a branch, and makes several sounds that would have been more appropriate in a Bang Bros feature. I don’t know about you guys, but nothing gets my crumpet moist like internal bleeding and shredded organs. For the next eight minutes she wanders around breathing heavily, being threatened by everything around her – the air, some water, chinking glass – and making not at all very astute comments.
“I’ve got to get out of here!”, she says, after catching sight of a crucified corpse. After scampering away from being seized at the ankle by a man and dragged about she mumbles “phew, that was close.” The whole thing is depressing. It depresses me. Thanks anyway, game developers, for trying. But what you’ve got here isn’t a strong independent woman at all. You’ve got what the majority of men THINK is a strong independent woman, which isn’t a strong independent woman. It’s a sex symbol.
Nothing has changed.
And don’t you come to me waaaing about “Oh but Jo, she has to be AESTHETICALLY PLEASING! IT’S FICTION!” and “Waaahaahaaa, you’re just a feminazi! You don’t understand these things because you’re too emotional.” No. Listen to me for a change, I fucking implore you. Just stop making these games.
Almost everybody I know grew up with Nintendo games, but I didn’t. And now they don’t appeal to me. Platformers usually do it for me, but not when there have been over eighty incarnations of the same fucking videogame. How many fucking Mario games are you going to make Nintendo? For that matter, how many fucking Zelda games are you going to make Nintendo? How many fucking Kirby games are you going to fucking make Nintendo?
As expected, Shigeru Miyamoto turned up to make some constipated faces and sell some games with the patented Authentic Nihongo™ experience. It turns out in the new Zelda they’ll be including ‘hint movies’ which allow gamers to cheat their way through a videogame without using logic or intuition. Though I guess if you self-identify as a gamer, you probably don’t have logic or intuition to begin with.
Nintendo also unveiled the Wii U, which is not only trying to be an Apple product, it looks like one too. You can apparently use the Wii U controller to draw, though I can’t imagine why you’d want to, unless of course you were doodling cocks and tits. It seems that to get full value out of the Wii U controller, you need to have an entire host of Nintendo paraphernalia. And also some friends, which many gamers do not have.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t catch the full conference and it didn’t particularly interest me, so this is all I have to say about Nintendo.
Sony’s conference began with some cool street music to show how approachable and down to earth their multi-millionaire CEOs are. In fact during the conference Jack Tretton even threw in some references to Kaz Hirai’s ‘Riiidge Racer!’ comment from an earlier E3, in hopes of winning over some little boys. He apologised for the PSN downtime by performing a little bit of McIntyre-esque stand-up comedy, before wrapping the nerds in flattery, telling them that they were ‘loyal’ to Sony. I’d like to point out that being loyal to a billion dollar corporation is not as admirable as you might think it is.
At the end of the day, Sony compromised valuable personal information and then refused to inform their customers about this fact for at least a week. Companies are not people. “You are our lifeblood,” they say. “Without you, there is no Sony.” All this means is that if you stopped taking their shit, stopped buying products as if your life depended on it and started thinking about what the fuck you were doing, they’d have less money. Not a bad thing.
They introduced the PSVita, which looks exactly like what the PSP Go should have been. A touch-screen product, the PSVita allows you to turn handheld children’s computer games into glorified iPhone apps. The word ‘connect’ was used about three times per second, ‘network’in every other sentence; and at the utterance of ‘uploading a save to the cloud’ I audibly gagged. Sony have also got a £499 3DTV arriving soon, which lets you play local multiplayer in 3D without the need for split screen. With two pairs of £60 3D glasses each player can see a different image on the same television. This means that for £620, you and your hired friend can play a computer game without squabbling about screen peeking like fucking useless children. Alternatively, you could save £620 by ceasing to defecate your trousers over the slightest issue and by fucking growing up.
To celebrate a ‘spoarts game’, Sony got the famed rapist Kobe Bryant to stand on-stage and call their wavy shiny glowy magic stick a ‘remote’. There was more of a furore about PSVita’s dealings with AT&T than the appearance of a rapist. He babbled foolishly about realism, betraying to the entire conference his complete and utter ignorance about computer games. Boo, I guess. Generally in my experience when someone coos ‘gosh this is realistic’, they have absolutely no idea what the fuck they’re meant to be paying attention to – or at least what they have to pretend to pay attention to, in order to convince adult babies to spend a month’s salary on an electronic product. Not that I care, but could they not have at least bothered to provide Kobe Bryant, a rapist, with some kind of script?
Sorcery was so bland that it deserves a mention. Whilst it is meant to be one of the debut Playstation Move games, it has level design that a student flash project would be ashamed of. It’s an ugly, dull, useless looking game which was demonstrated by a honking nerd with evident problems around social interaction. He seemed incapable of pointing out one good thing about the game.
Sony’s conference concluded with a smattering of Japanese drums, a DJ who looked like he was on speed and a motionless woman, posing. I guess they know their audience pretty well.
So the Electronic Entertainment Expo was a success, I guess; a success in that everybody who attended in order to sell shiny things managed to produce a stream of uninterrupted shows which the audience of industry participants hungrily and gleefully lapped up like hot piss. Primarily because they were being paid to show enthusiasm, regardless of what was being shown. But most obviously it was a success because, once again, the children’s computer game industry has shown itself to be an infantile, violence-obsessed misogynistic fart in the swollen gassy winds of capitalist society.
Fuck this shit.