Demon Pigeon readers, I come to you a frantic husk of a woman, having shortly returned from Eurogamer Expo 2011. Billed as ‘the UK’s biggest dedicated video games event’, I was not expecting to return from this experience in any way bettered as a person. However, I instead feel as if I have suffered a great blow. My therapist reports to me that writing may be a way for me to work through the emotional trauma of the event, so that I may move on.
The first warning sign should have been that Eurogamer approved our press pass in the first place. Indication is that if they take a website such as this to be a legitimate source of news then they might just be fucking crawling up the walls. Nevertheless I recruited spunky young Daniel to accompany me on our computer game odyssey to Earl’s Court to play some computer games in a feigned and pathetic attempt to feel as if we were part of a cancerous industry of cretins. Unfortunately, Daniel was lucky enough to have been issued a bum ticket, leaving me to go forward alone to the great unknown.
Nabbing my press band and walking out onto the Expo floor – narrowly dodging clumps of dickheads sitting on the floor trading Pokémon with their Nintendo DS’s – I queued for 30 minutes to play my first children’s computer game of the day: Mass Effect 3. The demo featured Commander Shepard fighting a heap of generic peeved Cerberus soldiers and mechanical devices. Running from cutscene to cutscene trying not to get blooded seemed the general technique. I guess I was underwhelmed, not only because I’d seen it all before, but because the game seemed fairly identical to the second, the only difference being that they’d taken out all opportunity to chill the fuck out.
I guess the demo was selected to showcase the fast-paced action and close quarters gameplay that so many seemed to believe was sorely needed in the series, but it removed all of the charm of the previous games, in that not once during the demo did you actually get the opportunity to admire set-pieces like the sprawling alien worlds – framed just over a waist high wall – on the horizon. The demo actually turned out to be exactly the same demo that had been released at E3 2011 and various other events this year, meaning that the exclusive information I expected turned out to have been a radically wild assumption on my part. This new understanding made not only the queue, but the entire day redundant.
I took a traipse over to the Nintendo 3DS booths. As you might remember from my ‘review’ (pahaaa) of E3 I haven’t really ever properly gotten down and dirty with Nintendo consoles quite like I have others, but since they were previewing my favourite game (Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater) in glorious 3D I decided I’d have a look anyway. After fumbling around in the dim with the 3DS’s knobs and ridged edges I finally found what they called the ‘sweet spot’…and got not much more than some bits of computer game grass poking slightly out of the screen, and Naked Snake’s bum-bum wobbling up and down as he shuffled along the dirt.
Wow hey, the sophistication of the 3DS’s technology had been vastly overstated in order to generate hype for the product! Woah.
Not particularly wanting to stand in line for another thirty minutes in the sweltering fumes of unwashed teen, I explored the 18+ zone of Eurogamer Expo.
But walking around there, amongst the Battlefield 3, the Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3, the Saints Row The Third, the generic spray and pray third person ‘muscle-man-in-a-big-mattress-costume’ shooters, I came to a shocking realisation, readers – I fucking hate computer games. I would have rather dived head first into a reservoir filled with brony shit than spent a moment longer at the Eurogamer Expo 2011: a place where people willingly, enthusiastically paid money and queued for prolonged periods of time in order to have advertising and marketing spaffed in their faces.
So I left.
SHIT/10: Don’t fucking go. Ever. Stay at home and wipe your bits on someone. Have a cup of tea. Call up your mother. But don’t go here. NO. Don’t.