The second annual STONE ROCK CORPORATION Partner Network Conference (AKA Desertfest) has recently concluded. Thanks to our Chief Neglect Officer’s revisionist foresight, this global event has been planned wholly for our benefit, to coincide perfectly with Demon Pigeon Ltd’s Annual Shareholders Meeting. Listed below are numerous particulars of the weekend’s presentations, provided chiefly for the benefit of our Shareholders, as well as other interested parties.
The Demon Pigeon Way
If last weekend demonstrated anything, then it was that the cornerstones of the DP Brand, ‘Stone Rock’ and ‘Filthy Doom’, continue to show robust growth across all quarters. However, the past year has been characterised by a sluggish economic climate; thus the third pillar of our Brand, namely ‘Sui Generis Sarcastic Apathy’, has challenged our ability to leverage the concomitant uptick in demand for depressing noise. Consequently, one of the key takeaways from Desertfest 2013 was the need to redraft our Corporate Vision to better penetrate this burgeoning marketplace.
Corporate Vision 2013/14
Via the Suitable Application of Breakthrough Innovation in the fields of Anti-Effort and Null-Administration, Demon Pigeon Global Dominance Systems Ltd will Strive for Unique Market Sector Differentiation, and Adhere to its Brand Values of “Alternatively-Defined Success” and “Sub-Optimal Metrics”.
Shareholders arrived promptly for the opening speeches, and were glad to welcome Groan plc to The Jazz Café stage, for an invigorating presentation about the difficulty of navigating the Work/Life Continuum. Some were struck by the Chairman’s ‘Stonehenge Rocks’ T-shirt, but it was the dandyish cuban heels and kitten-print vest of the Chief Entrepreneurial Officer that truly impressed. Though they left the rostrum far too soon, the doom-pop message of Groan remained lodged in our heads throughout the rest of the conference. This spike in Q1 performance was redressed throughout Q2, Q3 and Q4, however, by Shareholders’ preferential affinity for eating kebabs or standing about chatting in pubs.
In the Underworld, Mars Red Sky SàRL shared their warm-toned strategic vision for the quarter ahead via reverberating hollow-bodied guitar work and a gentle falsetto delivery. And though the tempo of their profitability growth was far slower than their previous records would suggest, their presentation marked out new areas for diversification and innovation, and earned a solid ovation from all Delegates and Shareholders. The Trippy Wicked LLP presentation, meanwhile, was so over-subscribed that we were forced to listen from outside the room. What little we heard sounded superb.
Continuing the theme, California’s Yawning Man Corp, and their Multi-National counterpart Yawning Sons Ltd gave their respective presentations in a circular format, winding discrete ideas around and around one another into a hypnotic mélange, consolidating the resulting gains. But while reporting initial strong expansion into new territory, they soon came up against infrastructure concerns and diminishing returns. Shareholders determined to look elsewhere for the next Growth Milestone, and found it in the form of Finland’s Hexvessel Oy back at The Jazz Café.
A strongly differentiated brand, Hexvessel’s Sub-Sector initially seemed too blackened and harsh for more mainstream Stone Rock markets. However, our Shareholders were pleasantly surprised and delighted to hear gutsy folk rock fused into a synergeticalistical affinity with tuneful heavy psychedelia, backed by a strong investment portfolio, including trumpet and violin. The Conference’s first truly unexpected development.
After that, we went to the toilet.
Friday’s keynote came courtesy of Fatso Jetson & Son Incorporated, a family business group of long-term and highly successful investors in the Desert Rock Sub-Sector. Despite this preference for niche markets, they have nevertheless successfully positioned themselves in a Brand Identity Channel all their own, delivering a presentation wholly unlike anything we had seen that day; with Chief Corporate Senior Executive Vice President Tony Tornay pounding the drums of expanding prosperity with clarity and power, he single handedly drove FJ&Son’s message right to the very back of the auditorium. Stirring.
Of additional note: The by-product and ancillary function of an independent agent acting off-brief later resulted in the knifepoint mugging of an innocent pizza delivery driver, thus indicating that all projections of a strong outlook for East London’s feral criminal underclass remain on track. Our Return On Investment (for the timeboxed period) for said pizza left us proper hungry like.
An unprecedented conclusion to a packed first day.