FASHION mustaineIn which our intrepid reporter hurtles into the world of consumer fashion, like a sartorial bullet.

Today I came to the stark realisation that I just don’t do fashion. I have donned pretty much the same uniform since I was 16. Fortunately, I had the good sense to stop wearing nail varnish and dying my hair stupid colours at the end of the 90s but the classic jeans/t-shirt/leather jacket combo has served me well into my 30s.

Conscious of the fact that I should probably grow up and not walk around with swear words emblazoned across my back (or front), I went into town today to see if I could find myself a coat for the inevitable return of winter. (Note: it was absolutely boiling today and that made the search ever so much more infuriating.)

I wandered aimlessly for an hour around the usual shops and found absolutely nothing that I would be happy with and here’s why. It seems that coats or jackets for men come in 3 varieties: indie douche, geography teacher (what is with all the bloody elbow patches? Patches should only be on denim jackets and even then only ironically) and the worst choice, dad coats.

FASHION manowarI came up trumps in Next when I found a nice coat that didn’t leave me cold but the bloody thing had patches on the elbows! Why? Do men spend so much time head in hands despairing at the futility of life or at their piss poor sport teams that this is necessary? I looked to see if they could be removed somehow but I didn’t want to risk destroying something that was going to cost the best part of £100. Designers, all of them, can fuck right off.

Here’s a lovely run-down of what else I found:

– Indie douche jackets seem to be only for stick thin people and have sheepskin collars on everything. Everything! Poor sheep…

– Geography teacher or “patch” jackets fill the other half of the hip shelves. I think I have made my feelings known on this.

– Lastly, dad jackets that can only be worn past 45 when you don’t care that you look like the bloody Michelin man

FASHION culkin

It seems, to me at least, that metal fans, people with taste or anybody that doesn’t identify themselves with the mainstream, has very limited options. It’s not just coats, it is every aspect of fashion that I feel alienated from (It’s not just because I’m old) and has always been the case. Clothes have always been just that for me and I have been bemused at the obsessiveness surrounding whatever trend is sweeping the world.

Do you remember when duffle coats and parkas came back? Dear lord.

There is another option that I haven’t alluded to yet and I would be remiss not to mention that there is one other option that I saw (discounting anything in JD Sport obviously, and no, not because I have a hatred of any particular socio-economic sub-group; rather that I don’t wear plastic if I can help it) and that is the funeral director jackets. They can only be worn at funerals which isn’t so bad if you’re a Goth or really like funerals and who doesn’t? This was an option I

was considering but as I am the size of a small thing, it just ended up looking like a dress, a very ugly unflattering dress. I did a cry.

FASHION annotationsI have pretty much decided that the only course of action is to just freeze to death this winter. Maybe I can get a bit part in an Immortal video or the new series of Game of Thrones as a White Walker because all fashion is shit.

Boo and hiss.

Disclaimer: In the end, I will probably buy another leather jacket because I can get away with it for another five years. What do you mean I’m too old for this shit? I need two jackets? One for work and one for social situations? Do fuck off. METAL!



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