On Rap Music: Open Mike Eagle

Editors’ Note: It’s been a while since we last took a journey on Geoff’s Rap Bus. After a talking vegetable pasty ordered our massive wanker intrepid reporter to spend an inordinate amount of time filling in tiny boxes on pretend trading cards, the Rap Bus had a mini-breakdown, grew a stupendous beard, and has since been SORNed up on a driveway in Sheffield. While applying for SORN status, though, our thoughts drifted to imagining just how terrible a human you would have to be to buy a product like this.

taxdick It is also worth spending a few moments exploring the variety of emotions conjured by this customer review:

“The whole point of buying this holder was to have to slogan so it could be read by the council jobsworths – except they cant as the holder is designed so that faces into your car.”


Anyway, we decided it was time for Geoff to start earning the huge salary his agent demanded when we signed him, so we paid for the Rap Bus to be made roadworthy again, bought him a new hilarious tax disc holder (top bantz) and sent him off into the world of underground rap once again, this time to visit Open Mike Eagle.  


A licence for this picture costs $15, so we just stole it instead.

While the Rap Bus was out of action, I spent the time perfecting my transitions from third to first person. If you get good enough at it then readers won’t even notice that you write your own intros. If I doesn’t practices enough though he get quite messy.

After a few weeks of talking to myself, and a few more weeks of Arthur Fowler style rocking I was pleased to find a plane ticket to Los Angeles on my doormat courtesy of the very generous and mysterious Demon Pigeon patrons. The Rap Bus was on the road again! (It folds up and fits into a suitcase or something so it can go on planes. Shut up.)

When I found out I was going to Los Angeles I knew straight away that I’d be going to see Open Mike Eagle because Open Mike Eagle is the best. Also I’m pretty sure he’s seriously undercharged me for shipping on that Rappers Will Die Of Natural Causes vinyl so I probably needed to buy him a couple of pints.

Open Mike Eagle is the best because he has the best rapping skills, the best lyrics, the best humour and the best song about time travelling helicopters.

He also has the best song that riffs on Frank Black’s Thalassocracy and is about being amazing at rapping but not having enough time to do it because you’re working a 9-5 job.

(I learned about the Frank Black thing from a YouTube comment. It’s amazing what you can learn from YouTube comments. I also learned that “megadeth turn to megaclown band”.)

Some of the other things that Open Mike Eagle is the best at are:

1. Having the best song about changing your password.

“Half afro and half jew-fro / I sneak around like I’m Clouseau / Got the password to your Netflix / I’m watching every Naruto”

2. Having the best song about grammatical modifiers performed live in a Laundromat

“We the best mostly / sometimes the livest rhymers / we the tightest kinda / respect my qualifiers”

3. Having the best song about being the smartest broke dude ever.

“They taught me all about metaphors / And other shit to make me smart but extra poor / Like which rivers flow through Ecuador / I got a high IQ and low credit score”

4. And of course, the best song about washing dishes.

“I’m just washing dishes / I got wet sleeves / don’t make dishes when I’m scrubbing that’s a pet peeve”

“If 50 is a millionaire / I wonder if he ever runs out of silverware / big acts fade away like Silverchair

If you like your rap music to be both intelligent and humorous with multi-layered lyrics delivered by a rapper who is at the absolute top of his craft then Open Mike Eagle is your man. If you don’t like those things, then I don’t really know what to tell you. As I sit in the Los Angeles branch of Greggs waiting for the Rap Bus to refuel I wonder if Open Mike Eagle will one day make it over to the UK to perform. I also wonder, if he were to somehow read this article, whether he would vow never to set foot in such a creepy, weird place. Anyway Mike, I probably owe you about $15 or something. Email me.

Thanks to Demon Pigeon for fixing the Rap Bus and sorting out the tickets to LA. Here are some pictures of the trip.

Me and Mike hanging out.


Me visiting Hollywood


Me about to land at LAX


Pretty excited to see where the guys send me next time.

Buy Open Mike Eagle music from openmikeeagle.bandcamp.com Do it.


1 Comment

  1. Pingback: Pigeon Playlists: Geoff’s Prison Break-A-Thon | Demon Pigeon

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