Curtains

Hello. Thanks for coming.

Demon Pigeon is now closed. For good. We would like to thank all our lovely readers for their time and attention—especially the ones who left us idiotic comments. And we’d like to say thanks for all the handsome tributes we have received since we announced our terminal illness.

Over our lifespan, we’ve been privileged to have the support of some of the best writers working today, and we’re proud to have had a small hand in helping launch at least a couple of magazine careers in our time. I’d like to offer particular thanks to everyone who has ever contributed in any way whatsoever to Demon Pigeon, for your generosity, patience and grace. You all know who you are.

In days gone by, I might have punctuated this message with a pithy rant about how parasitical and compromised a medium music criticism seems to be; by and large, it’s a vehicle for morons to write inoffensive PR copy about the efforts of actual artists. Or, I might have stripped down and smeared on my warpaint to get busy laying into the emphysemic husk of 2014 heavy metal like a pint pot Incredible Hulk, maybe by calling Metallica a bunch of old wankers or something.

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But who cares? Not me, not really. And not you. Why should you? Is our small voice of conscience—shrieking ‘WAIT A MINUTE WHAT IF IT’S ALL A BIT SHIT THOUGH’—something you never knew was missing from your life? Well, tough titties. We’re tired now. Go away.

Thus, we’re finished. It’s time to do something new. I don’t know what yet.

Thanks again for your forbearance, and hopefully we will see you again soon.

Bye! X

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13 Things About Demon Pigeon That We’re Really Going To Miss or Just Never Forget

Let’s face it.

If Demon Pigeon were a kid, it would have probably been taken away by now. Demon Pigeon is a child of neglect, sitting on a throne of soiled nappy, eating frosties out of a puddle of curdled milk and drawing pentagrams on the kitchen floor in dog shit. That grubby brat with an ASBO, left out to play until past nine that you draw the blinds on and tut at.

But we loved it, really. We did. We just never knew how to say it. We hadn’t even learned how to look after ourselves, let alone poor junior.

As you will now know, we’ve decided to pull down the shutters. We’ve essentially run out of words. All other things aside, we’ll genuinely pine for the opportunity Demon Pigeon gave us to piss off D-list musicians and compliment the wonderful bits and pieces that made it all worth it in the end, as well as all the great gatherings we’ve had and friends we’ve made. So thanks a million if you ever bothered with us.

So. What better way to end it all than with a shoddily-put-together, sparsely worded listicle built in the good ol’ Buzz-Worthy format? That’s what you like nowadays, isn’t it? ISN’T IT, YOU F-

Onwards and upwards. Let’s have a look at some of the greatest moments of these short but sweet four years.

1. The Time Dan Cairns Reviewed A Porno

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“Mr. Pervers is a curious film.”

2. Dan Cairns, Generally

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Daniel went forward to greater things, but left an indelible mark on all of us.

3. Sex and the City Review

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SHOES!!!!!!

4. The Time DAVID DRAINMAN yelled at us.

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Good question.

5. All The Times We Hated a Record

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6. And All The Times We Loved Them.

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7. The Time(s) We Did Nothing For Ages and Ages

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8. The Time We Went to Eurogamer and Spoke To “Gamers”

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9. The Time Noel Oxford Introduced Us to German Drugs Band

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10. Hanging Out At Desertfest With The Team

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11. The Time We Uncovered The Real Truth About Ozzy Osbourne

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12. The Time We Got Linked To Global Metal Apocalypse Dot Weebly Dot Com

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13. The Times I Got To Write About Things I Love For People I Love

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A huge thank you to Paul, Noel (yet another brilliant thing this website has given me) and everybody else who I’ve gotten to know thanks to Demon Pigeon.

Keep in touch with us on Twitter!

❤ Jo

WAVE GOODBYE

I’m not one for warm, fuzzy feelings or sentimentality. A veritable lifetime of metal, videogames and deathmatch professional wrestling has left me with all the empathy of an 8 year old child that pours boiling water on ants and then sets them alight.

I will say though, that I got some sad pangs when Noel told me Demon Pigeon was bidding adieu.

Noel and I were festering on some hideous metal blog full of bogans that wanted to do genuine guides to National Socialist Black Metal before Paul came in and saved us, coming up with the idea of doing our own thing. Noel and I were naturally all in. Having our own outlet to piss you people off? Excellent. We wouldn’t have to review a terrible black metal album again! Even though we did. Towers of Flesh or something. Noel gave them 7 and they kicked off about it in the comments section, because obviously it was a masterpiece that we just didn’t get, and they’re named after a penis.

After recruiting other semi-literate troglodytes, a guy to do internet stuff and lovely Dominic Sohor to do us a design (one of the initial concepts was a pigeon vomiting the name of the site, which was brilliant), we were off!

Pretty soon after launch, we found out just how desperately humourless some of you people are, like the aforementioned Tower of Flesh. We were met with a litany of negativity from people that actually took all this shit seriously.

However, we also found out some of you were just like us; you just wanted to laugh at it all too.

Demon Pigeon never had the biggest readership (the one time we got semi famous was with our Burzum lolcat review knocked up in 10 minutes, which just shows what you people are like really) largely because we have the collective work ethic of a dead cat on benefits, but I genuinely think we had the best. We made actual friends and met like-minded pissants; pissants that joined us on Twitter and other places with jokes about Robb Flynn, Varg and Insane Clown Posse. We even like some of you in real life! A bit. Maybe. Probably?

Let’s be frank. 99.9 per cent of metal blogs are appalling. Characterless, press release spewing garbage outlets run by people with a grasp of English that can—at best—be described as “haphazard”. We did some things wrong, and of course we all cringe at the stuff we were writing years ago, but at least we always set out to do things differently from the norm, whether it was taking you on cosmic trips with reviews of Stone Rock albums (delivered by our stone rock and titty expert Noel, who’s long overdue a gig from a proper place that pays money, so suck on that) or filling reviews of terrible death metal with pictures of lovely old Buster Merryfield. We were crass, tasteless and often infuriating, but we did it out of love. When we could be bothered.

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I drifted away from DP a few years ago to write for places for dollah dollah bills, but I always read it, and one day hoped to make a glorious return. Alas, that won’t happen now. It’s being put down; it’s been decided you didn’t really deserve us, so you’re all stuck with cool places that actually do stuff on time and write listicles and do press releases for Italian Power Metal bands that no one has ever heard of. Besides, nothing we do will ever top Global Metal Apocalypse. Check that shit out!

And even though James Swallow never did do anything for the site and I ribbed him mercilessly (though never out of spite), I’ve come to love him more than any woman I’ve ever known, so he’s on the same level as the steroid taking Blue Tit in Animal Crossing now. All’s well that ends well.

Thank you one and all. And we’ll see you all on Revenant Kestrel.

Guest Blog: Blood, Set & Fears Part Three

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Editor’s Note: 

Once again, we welcome back Miles Watts and his cohorts, of Zomblogalypse fame. We like it when Miles writes for us, because not only does the reflected glamour of his filmmaking adventures make us feel far more dynamic and accomplished than we actually are, he’s also really nice.

Some months have passed since his last chronicle from the infection zone, in which more unwitting dupes were turned by the Zomblogalypse plague. Join Miles as he charts, especially for us, the exponential spread of his unique bioengineered virus.

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A lot can happen in four months: Climate change. A full and manly beard. Nearly half a baby. For us at MilesTone Films, a lot has happened and a lot is promising to happen. Winter is coming, and that usually involves taking stock, sitting back in leather armchairs next to fires with our fingers steepled together and deliberating on the year’s successes and frustrations. For us filmmakers, November/December is typically a time for winding down and preparing for semi-hibernation (and a time when no-one answers their email) as next year’s plans largely remain a vague to-do list.

Except this year hasn’t been typical. Not in the slightest.

Our last two blogs detailed our trip to Cannes to shake things up and come back with a deal or two for our zombie web series Zomblogalypse. One sales agent and a few Top Secret (by necessity—sorry, fans of secrets) irons in the fire later, Zomblog: The Movie is on a steady course into production. Scriptwriting sessions galore, meetings, monster designs; it’s been all-zombies-go.

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Post-Cannes, we haven’t rested on our laurels, and in a slick, not-at-all groan-worthy segue, laurels were what it was all about for Whoops!, our ‘gory family comedy’ that premiered at the wonderful Raindance Film Festival in September. About 4% of feature films submitted get chosen for the festival, a statistic that did not go unnoticed (by us, because we kept telling people) as we watched the film with an appreciative audience, before heading to a very loud London pub to sleepily toast our victory.

A week later, producer and directors gathered to discuss what to do with the film, after (and during) the festival circuit. Our last movie, CrimeFighters, had a cinema and festival run and then… well, we decided to put that one up on YouTube for all to enjoy for free. Thankfully, the film acted as a calling card and started up a great relationship with a producer called Steve Piper who was looking for a new creative team.

Which brings us to now, and the possibilities that next year is currently shining in our faces.What we’d like to do is see Whoops! in cinemas and in people’s homes in 2014. We’re starting work on writing the follow-up movie with our other producer, Sam Robinson, as soon as the New Year hangovers fade. Zomblogalypse continues apace, and we have a glut of other movies we’d like to make and release over the next few years, with a group of filmmakers who share the same vision as we do: To blow things up in fields, torture actors and tell stories. Because that’s what it’s all about (mostly the middle one). Oh, and also to develop the York filmmaking scene and all that stuff.

Happy hibernating, and don’t forget to ignore your email!

Dat’s not troo metuls

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The magical land of the Internet was thrown into momentary chaos this morning with the staggering news that a musical act had been booked to play at, of all places, a music festival. This remarkable turn of events caught people so off guard that they were moved to take to the internet to voice their opinions, in that way that people do on the internet, and that way in which I am doing right now. Here is a sample of the collective eloquence:

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I’ll gloss over the grammatical crimes as evidence of a failing educational system. Far be it for me to pour scorn on people’s rage and ire, but might I begin by saying that if you are not a fan of a musical artist that you are perhaps not legally obligated to spend money to see them in a live setting? Or that if you are attending a festivial event where said band are performing their dubious wares, that you might find some other way to occupy your time? Perhaps with ale?

Complaining about the quality of the headliners at Download is a bit like bemoaning the quality of the acting on Hollyoaks. Avenged Sevenfold are a karaoke version of all the metal festival headliners of yesteryear, and Download is the perfect place for them, being as it is the playground of idiot children who have not yet discovered their innate ability to not shout SLAYYEEEEER or METAAAAAAALL at throat ripping volume.

To stretch the drama metaphor beyond any logical feasibility, if it’s decent acting and drama you want, why not turn from the 6.30 slot on Channel 4 and focus instead on some gritty and superior foreign imports like The Killing (Hellfest, Roadburn or Wacken) or some homegrown but independently minded quality drama like Utopia (Damnation, Temples or Desertfest) rather than bleat about how something that is obviously shit is obviously shit?

It’s a shit festival, basically, is where I was going with this. Unless the organizers want to give us free tickets, of course.

Holding out the begging cup again

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Those of you even remotely interested in the affairs of state of Demon Pigeon Dot Com will have noticed a resurgence of late, a general tilting at the windmills of the internet. We’ve been posting a lot. You get the drift. But rather than shoot our literary load and then go into hibernation for an extended period (a tactic that has proved so spectacularly successful for us in the past), we’d really like to be able to keep going, feel the impetus beneath our feet. But to do that, we need some fresh blood. We need you. Well maybe not you, but possibly you.

We have a pretty healthy crop of damn fine writers, but they all do this for free, and we don’t want to work them too hard or they’ll all go away. So we are looking to bolster our stable with some new writers who would like to see the prestigious title of ‘ex-writer for Demon Pigeon’ clutter up their CV at some unspecified future date.

We can’t offer you any money. Sorry about that. We can’t offer you fame. We can’t even offer guarantees of free stuff, seeing as most PR agencies don’t really like us very much any more. What we can offer you is…um….

Well here’s the thing. We like writing here, and if you are the sort of person who likes writing, then chances are you’ll like writing for us. If you are unfamiliar with our work to date, feel free to have a click around the site to see the kinds of things we do. Some good examples might be here, here, here, here, here and here. We don’t have a manifesto as such, because that would be ridiculous, but we care about the content of our articles. What we really want is to move away from the standard ‘reviews and interviews’ bread and butter of music blogging, and do more interesting things.

Join us at Demon Pigeon and as long as your writing is up to scratch we are very flexible about what you might want to write about. We may primarily a website that caters to the tastes of children (heavy metal, computer games etc) but there’s not a lot that will remain off the table subject wise.

If you’re serious about writing, and you want to bulk out your portfolio with interesting and varied articles then this might be an opportunity for you. We have a healthy and diverse audience, and some of our writers have already moved on to loftier heights. We haven’t because we’re scared of heights, but that’s a different story.

So if you have the ability to make words form sentences in a way that is both delightful and legible, an interest in music, film, comics and other trivialities of modern life that extends beyond the legally advisable and preferably a very low sense of self worth that will allow your new overlords to bully you into working long into the night for the aforementioned zero pay, please get in contact.

If you are interested you can email coop@demonpigeon.com, telling us what kind of thing you’d like to write about, and attaching a sample of your work. We are especially looking for female writers because we’d like to have a bit more balance in that area than we currently enjoy.

We cannot guarantee responses because if you are awful, well then that’s just awkward.

Good luck!

Guest Blog: Blood, Set & Fears Part Two

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Editor’s Note:

Hello everyone. Please welcome back the chiselled and dapper Miles Watts of Zomblogalypse, today kindly acting as your undead annihilation correspondent.

When last we heard from him, he and his intrepid cohort of indie film makers were about to impress the socks off everyone at the Cannes Film Festival, which is in Cannes. But what happened next? Would Miles and his pals be forced to arm themselves with sticks to fend off a howling throng of glassy-eyed, mouldering movie moguls driven by hindbrain lust for a new underground smash?

Read on to uncover the truth!

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We got back from Cannes nearly a month ago and we’re still kind of processing what took place. First of all, there was a lot of free booze due to our producer’s uncanny skill for knowing where and when each party was happening. Champagne, nibbles and people we didn’t know from Adam flowed past us merrily on balconies, while in the glittering streets below, paparazzi and desperate fans clamoured to see DiCaprio, Cotillard and the Coen Brothers attend their various premières.

Those were cheerful, glitzy enough aspects of the 66th Cannes Film Festival—the elements I talked about last month as being the most superficial and the least interesting—but then I’m not a party animal. We were there to meet people who might be interested in the films we’d already shot—Amber and Whoops!and the proposed feature version of our cult web series Zomblogalypse.

After a few days of not quite knowing who was where and what the hell and why, we secured a meeting with Kevin Williams of KWA, an international sales agency whose catalogue is broad and interesting; everything from genre horror and comedy to action and art house. Thankfully he agreed that the Zomblogalypse movie fits in with their releases and, a few days later, this rather gorgeous little article appeared in Screen International.

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For those still in the dark, a sales agent is someone who can help get your film made but also get it out there when it’s done. Many people make films but then have nowhere to go with them; Kevin Williams Associates can get Zomblog to an international market. So yay to that.

The next great thing that happened is that some other—let’s call them ‘people’—saw the above news and got in touch with us about… well, we actually can’t say right now but it should hopefully take the movie a few steps closer to being made. After one or two very exciting meetings, we now await more exciting meetings.

The final bit of great news is that as we put the finishing touches to our last feature, Whoops! and submit it to some cracking film festivals, we may have also secured a sales agent for our previous feature Amber. None of this is set in stone yet, so as usual we remain hopeful yet realistic. If it all comes off, we’ll be soaring.

Right now we’re working hard, coasting along on our momentum, with the hopes of enjoying the fruits of our hard work and looking forward to a hectic and work-filled future. With hefty dollops of fun along the way!

Good on ’em, eh? You can follow Zomblog’s exploits regularly at oneandother.com and via their Twitter and Facebook streams of social babble. You can also watch the whole series of Zomblog at Zomblogalypse.com and see what you’re missing.