Curtains

Hello. Thanks for coming.

Demon Pigeon is now closed. For good. We would like to thank all our lovely readers for their time and attention—especially the ones who left us idiotic comments. And we’d like to say thanks for all the handsome tributes we have received since we announced our terminal illness.

Over our lifespan, we’ve been privileged to have the support of some of the best writers working today, and we’re proud to have had a small hand in helping launch at least a couple of magazine careers in our time. I’d like to offer particular thanks to everyone who has ever contributed in any way whatsoever to Demon Pigeon, for your generosity, patience and grace. You all know who you are.

In days gone by, I might have punctuated this message with a pithy rant about how parasitical and compromised a medium music criticism seems to be; by and large, it’s a vehicle for morons to write inoffensive PR copy about the efforts of actual artists. Or, I might have stripped down and smeared on my warpaint to get busy laying into the emphysemic husk of 2014 heavy metal like a pint pot Incredible Hulk, maybe by calling Metallica a bunch of old wankers or something.

james-hetfield-james-hetfield-28084266-1024-768

But who cares? Not me, not really. And not you. Why should you? Is our small voice of conscience—shrieking ‘WAIT A MINUTE WHAT IF IT’S ALL A BIT SHIT THOUGH’—something you never knew was missing from your life? Well, tough titties. We’re tired now. Go away.

Thus, we’re finished. It’s time to do something new. I don’t know what yet.

Thanks again for your forbearance, and hopefully we will see you again soon.

Bye! X

WAVE GOODBYE

I’m not one for warm, fuzzy feelings or sentimentality. A veritable lifetime of metal, videogames and deathmatch professional wrestling has left me with all the empathy of an 8 year old child that pours boiling water on ants and then sets them alight.

I will say though, that I got some sad pangs when Noel told me Demon Pigeon was bidding adieu.

Noel and I were festering on some hideous metal blog full of bogans that wanted to do genuine guides to National Socialist Black Metal before Paul came in and saved us, coming up with the idea of doing our own thing. Noel and I were naturally all in. Having our own outlet to piss you people off? Excellent. We wouldn’t have to review a terrible black metal album again! Even though we did. Towers of Flesh or something. Noel gave them 7 and they kicked off about it in the comments section, because obviously it was a masterpiece that we just didn’t get, and they’re named after a penis.

After recruiting other semi-literate troglodytes, a guy to do internet stuff and lovely Dominic Sohor to do us a design (one of the initial concepts was a pigeon vomiting the name of the site, which was brilliant), we were off!

Pretty soon after launch, we found out just how desperately humourless some of you people are, like the aforementioned Tower of Flesh. We were met with a litany of negativity from people that actually took all this shit seriously.

However, we also found out some of you were just like us; you just wanted to laugh at it all too.

Demon Pigeon never had the biggest readership (the one time we got semi famous was with our Burzum lolcat review knocked up in 10 minutes, which just shows what you people are like really) largely because we have the collective work ethic of a dead cat on benefits, but I genuinely think we had the best. We made actual friends and met like-minded pissants; pissants that joined us on Twitter and other places with jokes about Robb Flynn, Varg and Insane Clown Posse. We even like some of you in real life! A bit. Maybe. Probably?

Let’s be frank. 99.9 per cent of metal blogs are appalling. Characterless, press release spewing garbage outlets run by people with a grasp of English that can—at best—be described as “haphazard”. We did some things wrong, and of course we all cringe at the stuff we were writing years ago, but at least we always set out to do things differently from the norm, whether it was taking you on cosmic trips with reviews of Stone Rock albums (delivered by our stone rock and titty expert Noel, who’s long overdue a gig from a proper place that pays money, so suck on that) or filling reviews of terrible death metal with pictures of lovely old Buster Merryfield. We were crass, tasteless and often infuriating, but we did it out of love. When we could be bothered.

226116439_e851beef

I drifted away from DP a few years ago to write for places for dollah dollah bills, but I always read it, and one day hoped to make a glorious return. Alas, that won’t happen now. It’s being put down; it’s been decided you didn’t really deserve us, so you’re all stuck with cool places that actually do stuff on time and write listicles and do press releases for Italian Power Metal bands that no one has ever heard of. Besides, nothing we do will ever top Global Metal Apocalypse. Check that shit out!

And even though James Swallow never did do anything for the site and I ribbed him mercilessly (though never out of spite), I’ve come to love him more than any woman I’ve ever known, so he’s on the same level as the steroid taking Blue Tit in Animal Crossing now. All’s well that ends well.

Thank you one and all. And we’ll see you all on Revenant Kestrel.

Guest Blog: Blood, Set & Fears Part Three

IMG_9204

Editor’s Note: 

Once again, we welcome back Miles Watts and his cohorts, of Zomblogalypse fame. We like it when Miles writes for us, because not only does the reflected glamour of his filmmaking adventures make us feel far more dynamic and accomplished than we actually are, he’s also really nice.

Some months have passed since his last chronicle from the infection zone, in which more unwitting dupes were turned by the Zomblogalypse plague. Join Miles as he charts, especially for us, the exponential spread of his unique bioengineered virus.

Whoops lot

A lot can happen in four months: Climate change. A full and manly beard. Nearly half a baby. For us at MilesTone Films, a lot has happened and a lot is promising to happen. Winter is coming, and that usually involves taking stock, sitting back in leather armchairs next to fires with our fingers steepled together and deliberating on the year’s successes and frustrations. For us filmmakers, November/December is typically a time for winding down and preparing for semi-hibernation (and a time when no-one answers their email) as next year’s plans largely remain a vague to-do list.

Except this year hasn’t been typical. Not in the slightest.

Our last two blogs detailed our trip to Cannes to shake things up and come back with a deal or two for our zombie web series Zomblogalypse. One sales agent and a few Top Secret (by necessity—sorry, fans of secrets) irons in the fire later, Zomblog: The Movie is on a steady course into production. Scriptwriting sessions galore, meetings, monster designs; it’s been all-zombies-go.

Whoops poster

Post-Cannes, we haven’t rested on our laurels, and in a slick, not-at-all groan-worthy segue, laurels were what it was all about for Whoops!, our ‘gory family comedy’ that premiered at the wonderful Raindance Film Festival in September. About 4% of feature films submitted get chosen for the festival, a statistic that did not go unnoticed (by us, because we kept telling people) as we watched the film with an appreciative audience, before heading to a very loud London pub to sleepily toast our victory.

A week later, producer and directors gathered to discuss what to do with the film, after (and during) the festival circuit. Our last movie, CrimeFighters, had a cinema and festival run and then… well, we decided to put that one up on YouTube for all to enjoy for free. Thankfully, the film acted as a calling card and started up a great relationship with a producer called Steve Piper who was looking for a new creative team.

Which brings us to now, and the possibilities that next year is currently shining in our faces.What we’d like to do is see Whoops! in cinemas and in people’s homes in 2014. We’re starting work on writing the follow-up movie with our other producer, Sam Robinson, as soon as the New Year hangovers fade. Zomblogalypse continues apace, and we have a glut of other movies we’d like to make and release over the next few years, with a group of filmmakers who share the same vision as we do: To blow things up in fields, torture actors and tell stories. Because that’s what it’s all about (mostly the middle one). Oh, and also to develop the York filmmaking scene and all that stuff.

Happy hibernating, and don’t forget to ignore your email!

Dat’s not troo metuls

shit

The magical land of the Internet was thrown into momentary chaos this morning with the staggering news that a musical act had been booked to play at, of all places, a music festival. This remarkable turn of events caught people so off guard that they were moved to take to the internet to voice their opinions, in that way that people do on the internet, and that way in which I am doing right now. Here is a sample of the collective eloquence:

weep

I’ll gloss over the grammatical crimes as evidence of a failing educational system. Far be it for me to pour scorn on people’s rage and ire, but might I begin by saying that if you are not a fan of a musical artist that you are perhaps not legally obligated to spend money to see them in a live setting? Or that if you are attending a festivial event where said band are performing their dubious wares, that you might find some other way to occupy your time? Perhaps with ale?

Complaining about the quality of the headliners at Download is a bit like bemoaning the quality of the acting on Hollyoaks. Avenged Sevenfold are a karaoke version of all the metal festival headliners of yesteryear, and Download is the perfect place for them, being as it is the playground of idiot children who have not yet discovered their innate ability to not shout SLAYYEEEEER or METAAAAAAALL at throat ripping volume.

To stretch the drama metaphor beyond any logical feasibility, if it’s decent acting and drama you want, why not turn from the 6.30 slot on Channel 4 and focus instead on some gritty and superior foreign imports like The Killing (Hellfest, Roadburn or Wacken) or some homegrown but independently minded quality drama like Utopia (Damnation, Temples or Desertfest) rather than bleat about how something that is obviously shit is obviously shit?

It’s a shit festival, basically, is where I was going with this. Unless the organizers want to give us free tickets, of course.

Guest Blog: Blood, Set & Fears Part Two

plane

Editor’s Note:

Hello everyone. Please welcome back the chiselled and dapper Miles Watts of Zomblogalypse, today kindly acting as your undead annihilation correspondent.

When last we heard from him, he and his intrepid cohort of indie film makers were about to impress the socks off everyone at the Cannes Film Festival, which is in Cannes. But what happened next? Would Miles and his pals be forced to arm themselves with sticks to fend off a howling throng of glassy-eyed, mouldering movie moguls driven by hindbrain lust for a new underground smash?

Read on to uncover the truth!

pump

We got back from Cannes nearly a month ago and we’re still kind of processing what took place. First of all, there was a lot of free booze due to our producer’s uncanny skill for knowing where and when each party was happening. Champagne, nibbles and people we didn’t know from Adam flowed past us merrily on balconies, while in the glittering streets below, paparazzi and desperate fans clamoured to see DiCaprio, Cotillard and the Coen Brothers attend their various premières.

Those were cheerful, glitzy enough aspects of the 66th Cannes Film Festival—the elements I talked about last month as being the most superficial and the least interesting—but then I’m not a party animal. We were there to meet people who might be interested in the films we’d already shot—Amber and Whoops!and the proposed feature version of our cult web series Zomblogalypse.

After a few days of not quite knowing who was where and what the hell and why, we secured a meeting with Kevin Williams of KWA, an international sales agency whose catalogue is broad and interesting; everything from genre horror and comedy to action and art house. Thankfully he agreed that the Zomblogalypse movie fits in with their releases and, a few days later, this rather gorgeous little article appeared in Screen International.

cannesheat

For those still in the dark, a sales agent is someone who can help get your film made but also get it out there when it’s done. Many people make films but then have nowhere to go with them; Kevin Williams Associates can get Zomblog to an international market. So yay to that.

The next great thing that happened is that some other—let’s call them ‘people’—saw the above news and got in touch with us about… well, we actually can’t say right now but it should hopefully take the movie a few steps closer to being made. After one or two very exciting meetings, we now await more exciting meetings.

The final bit of great news is that as we put the finishing touches to our last feature, Whoops! and submit it to some cracking film festivals, we may have also secured a sales agent for our previous feature Amber. None of this is set in stone yet, so as usual we remain hopeful yet realistic. If it all comes off, we’ll be soaring.

Right now we’re working hard, coasting along on our momentum, with the hopes of enjoying the fruits of our hard work and looking forward to a hectic and work-filled future. With hefty dollops of fun along the way!

Good on ’em, eh? You can follow Zomblog’s exploits regularly at oneandother.com and via their Twitter and Facebook streams of social babble. You can also watch the whole series of Zomblog at Zomblogalypse.com and see what you’re missing.

Guest Blog: Blood, Set & Fears Part One

zomblog profile

Editor’s Note:

If you are not familiar with Zomblogalypse, the web series set in a post-apocalyptic zombie-infested York, you really should go and rectify that, because not only is it chock-full of zombies, it’s also smashingly funny, heartwarming and it has explicit full-frontal tea-drinking.

Following the exploits of a bunch of housemates trying to navigate the apocalypse, Zomblog has—over three seasons and assorted extras—grown into a cult hit, and now the makers are putting together a film version for viewing in those talking movie houses you hear so much about these days.

They’ve recently been to Cannes, where they’ve managed to secure worldwide distribution rights, betraying a degree of focus and success that terrifies us. So sensing a bandwagon we could pretty hastily climb aboard, we asked one of the show’s creators, Miles Watts, to tell us about the journey from blog to backlot in a series of guest posts—and quite incredibly he didn’t just delete the email without reading it; nor ignore it, like we would have done.

Here is the first installment, sent just before the intrepid filmmakers jetted off to sunny Cannes.

Proudly

When you’re a film-maker, bumping into old friends and being asked what you’re ‘up to these days’ is a curious thing because ‘I’m making films’ is such an uncertain response (and indeed, way to earn a living). So being able to answer their follow-up enquiry of ‘and how’s that working out for you?’ (or words to that effect) is a lot easier when you can say, ‘oh, we’re off to Cannes next week.’

Cannes is one of those events that elicits a great deal of excitement from film and non-film folk. The non-film folk imagine the sun, sea, drinks, possibly naked ladies and red carpets but the film folk know that’s not really what it’s all about.

There is some glamour attached as it’s a kind of Busman’s Holiday for us film-makers, but Cannes is a huge opportunity as much as it is a glamorous location. You can go there and drink yourself half to death and crash a lot of parties, or you can take every opportunity to network, schmooze and talk your way to the next stage of your film career. If you’re very energetic I imagine you can do both.

BJWj2NyCMAAAn8u.jpg-large

Me and my cohorts—co-creators of our zombie web series Zomblogalypse: Hannah Bungard and Tony Hipwell and our producer Steve Piper—are heading out to Cannes on the 15th of May to follow up on the work Steve did last year in gathering interest for a proposed movie version of Zomblogalypse.

We have been making the series for nearly five years, and four other features along the way. Our latest two, Amber and Whoops! will be out later this year after hopefully getting into some festivals. One’s about a bunch of friends getting drunk in a house, the other’s about an accidental serial killer. So, diversity. And then there’s Zomblogalypse, which is about friends getting drunk in a house and not-quite-so-accidentally killing lots of zombies.

We just raised £9,000 to get the film started on IndieGoGo and that’s also where Zomblog differs from our previous films: We made our first, second and third movies for about that amount combined. With Zomblogalypse, we decided it was worth gathering support, going out to Cannes and throwing everything at the wall to see what stuck.

So far, we have a lot of international interest from investors in various countries and a good stab at getting the money and distribution deals we need to make Zomblogalypse a bigger, wilder movie than anything we’ve made before. Plus, you know, French sunshine and sea. So it’ll be an intensely fun week.

Thanks for reading. See you when we return!

You can follow Zomblog’s exploits regularly at oneandother.com and via their Twitter and Facebook streams of social babble. You can also watch the whole series of Zomblog at Zomblogalypse.com and see what you’re missing.

PiGeon Playlists

pigeon-ipod

While we were thinking about the relaunch of your favourite idiotic heavy metal blog, we were trying to come up with ideas that might have longevity beyond the single article lifespan of most of our output. But thinking is getting harder by the day, so we’ve decided to just throw some Spotify playlists at you instead, because that counts as a whole new article each time.

This way, we gain the advantage of churning out ‘content’ (albeit shit a poisoned wasp  could manage), and for you dear reader, it’ll seem like are working much harder than we actually are, even though you are getting depressingly less quality with every visit.

Full disclosure: We were worried this strategy was too fucking lazy even for us, until we remembered that this is what almost every single heavy metal blog, zine and indeed ‘website’ does: Endless exercises in driving hits to grow our audience to try and drive more hits to get our links out there… to the purpose of who knows what. Selling ads? Ell em eh oh.

So without further ado, please enjoy this the first of what will be (or may not end up being, to be honest) endless spouts of amazing bullshit.

Pigeon Playlist May 2013: The Completely Official Demon Pigeon Hellfest Playlist For People Who Are Going To Hellfest:

We are going to Hellfest soon. Did we mention it? I think we might have done. We’re quite looking forward to it, as well. It’ll be dead good, not least of which because it isn’t a British festival and therefore definitely not a cynical attempt to turn you upside down and empty your pockets of all your money, giving you as little in return as possible.

As well as that, there’s a lot of rather good bands. There’s quite a few shit ones too, so once the festival released the stage times and we worked out exactly who we would actually get to see, we created this playlist as a kind of dry run. So if you are going to Hellfest, here’s some songs to get you excited. If you are not then here’s some stuff to make you jealous. Enjoy. Or not. Up to you entirely.

You can still get tickets for Hellfest for the stupidly good price of €160 from www.hellfest.fr